What I’m Gifting Myself For My Birthday

I’ve always loved birthdays. Mine, my family’s, my friends’, yours! I never mind getting a year older, even now when my face has more lines and my grays are definitely visible. The date on the calendar has a nice familiarity. November 23. The day I was born.

This year is the first one I’ve thought, “How do I want this age to be different?” I have those types of thoughts every new year (I’ll always swear by the magic and energy of New Year’s Eve), but on my birthday I’ve always just enjoyed that it’s 11/23 and that I’m with my people. I’m happy for that this year, too, of course, but I got to thinking about what I want to be different.

The other day I said to Nate, “Maybe 38 will be the age I return to daily workouts.” (For reference, before having kids I ran marathons and did yoga 6-7 times/week. Since having kids my movement has come in the form of walks, chasing small children, boat pose on the living room floor, and occasional consistency at the gym.) When I said that Nate said, “This has been a hard year.” To which he meant, go easy on yourself that you didn’t also add “daily workouts” to the to-do list. And it’s true. 2020 has been a YEAR. We also had our third baby a couple weeks before 2020 began and a few weeks after my birthday. Despite the beautiful baby in our home, I sometimes forget all of the postpartum-nursing mom-connecting with the baby bits that I do. Those matter. And they take time in the best way.

The year threw us some curve balls for sure, but we’ve largely been more than okay. I’m a homebody and the year certainly delivered to honor that part of me. But it’s been hard to watch and experience parts of the world, and our country, falling apart. I’ve cried. That’s my go to expression and releasing. All this to say that pushing 40 and a doozy of a calendar year have me asking what I want to be different in me moving forward. (There’s a shit ton of things I’d ask for the world to deliver on and gift itself, but today, I’m starting right here.)

I’ve come up with some intangible gifts to myself that are aligned with, well… me. These are all things I already have to some degree. Some are getting a refresh. Others a stronger commitment. Here we go…

Sacred space.

My sophomore year of college I took the course Religion 201. I’m not religious, but I’ve always had a fascination with religious figures in a historical sense. (That’s why you’d find me watching “James, the Brother of Jesus” on the History Channel.) One day the professor taught on the topic of sacred space and I was mesmerized. Today I couldn’t tell you one word he said, but it was secular and I knew the space he was talking about was one I wanted to live in. So I’m freshening up my own sacred space. A non-physical space where I am grounded, connected, and there is a firm barrier blocking the external noise I don’t want to hear and on-point acoustics for the internal noise I do want to hear. Abstract af, but you’ll find me there.

Presence.

I’m pretty darn good at being in the present moment. And like all non-enlightened humans (ahem, dare I say all of us), my mind can wander. I’m reminding my 38 year old self that I can balance progress with knowing that everything I need is right here, in me and in my home.

Doing business exactly how I want to.

I want this for me and you, always. I talk about it in sessions, my course, my coaching groups, and on social. And I do so for myself about 90% of the time. The other 10% I entertain the voices telling me things like how I should show up on Instagram and that I should send my newsletters at the same time every week. (Coach, yes; human, also yes). I’ll be over here listening to my inner voice and trusting my intuition that other 10% of the time as well. That includes unearthing some of the ideas I’ve been holding close for too long. I’m excited to bring them to light.

Movement.

I feel my best when I have movement in my life. Lots of it really. Walks, dancing in the kitchen, jogs with my daughter, yoga (whenever and where ever I make space for it), burpees in my bedroom. More movement. Nothing fancy required. Just me and my body, and often my family tagging along or a small child underfoot.

Reading.

I feel so much like myself curled up on my couch with a good book. Memoirs, novels I don’t want to put down, and more recently poetry collections. As a kid I would read a book a day. Lately I haven’t created space for it as much as I’d like. 38, bring on the books.

Activism and Anti-Racism.

It has never been lost on me that my husband and our kids are living in a world with built-in systems that oppress them while simultaneously propel and create safe spaces for me (and even more so white men). The outright hatred has become more visible and it rips me apart, especially when I think about my babies. Crying is my go-to (see above). And I’ve allowed myself to cry and even be scared. Emotion is not enough. Knowing and doing something are not the same. I’ve worried I’m not doing enough (I’m not) and have taken concrete action to show up for the long haul. 38 will be the year that was a major turning point for me doing so much more. Psychologist Dolly Chugh says that in activism, some people bring the light and some bring the heat. Both are necessary. Reading this made realize that I bring the light. (This isn’t really a gift to myself, but it’s a long overdue way that I want to be different.)

As I write these gifts to myself, a theme of slowing down comes to mind. Even with more movement, activism, and anti-racism. I have to slow on some other things to make space. I’m laughing now as I remember my new year’s resolution when I was 20. To not walk quickly when I’m not in a hurry. I used to buzz about at a crazy fast pace going from place to place, when what I really needed was to slow down. Relax. Enjoy the walk. Sink into the moments. You’ll find me doing more of that over here in this next trip around the sun. A healthy balance of moving forward how I want to, and being right where I am.

Happy Birthday to me.

(Oh, and I can’t forget the earrings. I’ve had my eye on a pair of ceramic dangly earrings. I’ve been afraid my baby would just rip them out of my ears. But now that she’s a few weeks away from her first birthday, I think I can get away with them for a majority of 38. So, I’ll be gifting myself some sweet ass earrings, too.)